no way to check who is checking on me
it's so weird
to have this window on the world through which i cannot see
it's so strange
to have taken you for granted for so long
it's so strange
that you don't even know that i am writing you this song
world on the web
friends far away
electronic words
so much to say
yet in a blink
everything's gone
and even if you don't think
you could carry on
you carry on
it's so weird
after ten years of writing each day
it's so weird
not like i have nothing left to say
it's so strange
like losing a link to a part of me
it's so strange
to have this window on the world through which i cannot see
world on the web
where have you gone
i'll still right here
babbling on
yet in a blink
we're out of touch
and even if you think
it doesn't mean so much
it means so much
what are we beyond the image of who we think we might be
based only on the words we read and write and sometimes say
we're still just a phone call away
but what is it that becomes something when nothing is here
is it all our imaginations that lead us to believe we really care
when the connection just seems to disappear
it's so weird
to be so dependent on blogs and email
it's so weird
to miss it so much when connections fail
it's so strange
i know i'm not the only one who feels this way
but here i sit alone writing these words
and here these words and i alone will stay
it's so weird
no way to check who is checking on me
it's so weird
to have this window on the world through which i cannot see
it's so strange
to have taken you for granted for so long
it's so strange
that you don't even know that i am writing you this song
7 comments:
it is weird...the flu has kept me offline for days, but without much a desire to even check in on anything online, but at the same time there is also a missing of it too. And then I become convinced I will never return when it seems like I can say nothing of worth or value to anyone really, cannot say much without a familiar hammer over my head...and even when hammers carry with them some truth, it seems there ought to be a gentler way to deliver the blow. But I'm just squishy and sensitive and don't really even want to change that any more.
But anyway, it appears you found your way back online...back to a few of your wonderful word places to share and to care and to write rhymes from the heart.
It always sort of feels like curling up on the sofa just after I've heard the opening song of the Twilight Zone (which of course I mean with the highest of compliments) :)
hugs from across the continent...
i am very sad that the internet connection is so weak that it wonked out and ate a response i just wrote and i cannot get it back... that truly sucks...
it was something about your hammer and a cheer for your acknowledging it, almost accepting it, and wondering if you have considered the possibility that you may want it - for sometimes it is all you will respond to...
rationalize away that fact in many easy and logical ways if you will, but it is a loop i see through my eyes...
speaking of twilight zone music :)
Actually, I have definitely considered that, and wonder a lot about it, and for the very first time understand it as some sort of strange leftover of a martyr complex that seems to believe I am important enough to save everyone from themselves.
And with the admission comes a realization and a choice to make for myself. I can't wish to be anyone else but me, and if I have to be me than I might as well try liking what I see...I've not liked it for so long it is a habit so easy to go back to...and allowing hammers to drive the nails in deeper is just really old and tired and...suddenly the word that comes to mind is....meaningless.
I can't save anyone...I am not the entire world of hurting people's savior...and to just receive all the pain they wish to pour into me is going to kill me. I've made excuses in the past that I didn't have any choice; it's just my caring and loving heart. More bullshit I've told myself. We always have a choice. And that isn't love, it's ego...love starts first with me.
YAY YOU! :)
oh so seriously YAY YOU! :)
Nobody can tell you what you just wrote - no matter how many times or how many ways, nobody can give you that thought or the feeling of realization you expressed...
ego so easily fools us into believing we cannot do something, we cannot live without someone, we cannot stop unless we win - and winning is saving others, winning is being good, winning is making others like us, winning is being the best at what we do - even if that is martyrdom (or martyrdumb)...
i know the feeling well from both sides (what do you think kept me in my holding patterns (amy and toronto, both)... altruism, yes, promises, yes, committment, yes, loyalty, yes, many good intentions, yes, but also, when the choice came between living or dying, ego stepped in and said don't give up because giving up is losing and we just cannot lose and be ok...
but we can lose and be ok...
and ego lies when it calls giving up on someone else to take care of ourself a loss, for that is a win... we can be no good for anyone (and surely cannot save anyone) if we are not saving ourself...
so YAY YOU!...
call me anytime you want to reassure yourself that you found some clarity and a truth in your words right here :)
thank you for your kind reassurance and the sharing and the validation...it is easy to slip...guilt is familiar and easy to slide right into, like a well-worn shoe...self sacrifice has always been so normal...being supportive and nurturing and relentless about building others up are all parts of my heart, parts to be cherished, parts to be respected and honored and protected. So far, so good :)
just latch on the positive and eliminate the negative follow the affirmative and don't mess with mr in-between :)
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