relative ends (who will pay the rent?)

listening to the words of a song
from a movie that was a play
will someone care

sung by the members of a life support group
for people dying of aids
suddenly i am aware

that everyone is dying
and everyone is trying
to not be alone in the end

and everyone is wondering
the question is thundering
will someone be the friend
who will be there in the end

we're all asking
will i lose my dignity
will someone care
when the body fails me
when i can no longer care for myself
when old age ails me
when i must depend on someone else
will i face nursing home dangers
will i be put out with the trash
will i be at the mercy of strangers
wiping my nose, my drool, my ass
will i lose my dignity
will someone care

it may be more obvious with cancer or aids
but we all share the same fear
of being alone at the end

old age is the final card that is played
if none of the others do it,
old age will, my friend

for everyone is dying
and everyone is trying
to not be alone in the end

and everyone is wondering
the question is thundering
will someone be the friend
who will be there in the end

we're all asking
will i lose my dignity
will someone care
when the body fails me
when i can no longer care for myself
when old age ails me
when i must depend on someone else
will i face nursing home dangers
will i be put out with the trash
will i be at the mercy of strangers
wiping my nose, my drool, my ass
will i lose my dignity
will someone care

sometimes i want to end it all while i can
rather than be alone when i'm helpless at the end
sometimes i want to end it all, do you understand?
no one answers when i ask who will be the friend?

we're all asking
will i lose my dignity
will someone care
when the body fails me
when i can no longer care for myself
when old age ails me
when i must depend on someone else
will i face nursing home dangers
will i be put out with the trash
will i be at the mercy of strangers
wiping my nose, my drool, my ass
will i lose my dignity
will someone care

for everyone is dying
and everyone is trying
to not be alone in the end

and everyone is wondering
the question is thundering
will someone be the friend
who will be there in the end

deeper desires

I've got a strange relationship with myself
I trust myself unconditionally
so I let myself get in all sorts of trouble
and far from the one I know as me

it must be confusing to anyone who looks
at my life with any serious concern
but there are no worries, just missing pieces
and still so much more to learn
still so much more to learn

why don't we give the next page of my life a turn

I’ve got to get a handle on my impulses today
I’m letting imbalanced lusts get carried away
and I have not been writing to myself enough lately
letting distractions dilute deeper desires in me

looking for connections
comments messages and tweets
looking for attention
looking for someone who wants to meet
internet diversions
wanting to believe I’m finding friends
just wishing and hoping
the long term loneliness ends

but I keep so busy that I don’t
remember to keep in touch with myself
I wonder if you understand
I don’t let myself feel as lonely as I am

I’ve got to get back to taking care of myself
not just the momentary impulses
but the dreams long stashed up on a shelf

I’ve got to get back to the depths deep inside
not just the simple happy daily smiles
but the passions that have been so long denied

looking for connections
but too busy to see
looking for attention
but not giving enough attention to me
internet diversions
watching tv and playing games
just wishing and hoping
somebody will share more than names

but I keep so busy that I don’t
remember to keep in touch with myself
I wonder if you understand
I don’t let myself feel as lonely as I am

I don’t want to feel the desperation
I don’t want to settle for one night stands
I don’t want to choose someone just to quell the loneliness
I wonder if anyone understands

I’ve got to get a handle on my business today
I’m letting work and light play get carried away
and I have not been writing to myself enough lately
letting distractions dilute deeper desires in me
I must return to the deeper desires in me
must return to the deeper desires in me
must return to the deeper desires in me
must return to the deeper desires in me

the love of your life

you called me the love of your life
but never heard my heart was not yours
were you hoping i would fall for you
that is not what falling in love is for
it either happens or it does not
and i told you it did not for me
you told me that you had no choice
your love for me ignored my words
my selfishness ignored your voice
our choices create our lot

i wish i never let it go so far
for now i do not know where you are
i miss how much you were devoted to me
did my leaving set you free?

when we met you were pregnant with someone’s child
i never knew who he was or why he was not around
i’m not sure why i didn’t ask and now i wonder why
was i just happy you needed me and not the other guy?

when we met you were grieving, your father just died
you still lived at home, never on your own, eyes wide
just a child with a child and i took you in and shared my life
but the one thing i never wanted you to be was my wife

i tried to be kind, was i too kind?...
or is kindness cruel in the end?
you wanted me to fall in love
i wanted a best friend

you wanted a lover
i wanted a mother
too late we discovered
the two do not mix

how do people measure
what’s comfort or pleasure
when you break a treasure
maybe there is no fix

we never really saw eye to eye
maybe you chose the wrong guy

i wish i never let it go so far
for now i do not know where you are
i miss how much you were devoted to me
did my leaving set you free?

i bought you a house, then i let it go
if you paid it off it is worth five times what we paid
you wanted a spouse, i wanted a show
we were both victims of the game we played
and did we let money get in the way?

you called me the love of your life
but never heard my heart was not yours
were you hoping i would fall for you
that is not what falling in love is for
it either happens or it does not
and i told you it did not for me
you told me that you had no choice
your love for me ignored my words
my selfishness ignored your voice
our choices create our lot

i wish i never let it go so far
for now i do not know where you are
i miss how much you were devoted to me
did my leaving set you free?

the epic saga of the truth

i was once so sensitive that i'd cry
if i saw anger in someone's eye
everywhere i looked i saw hate and strife
all the cruelty of every life
all i could do was hope it would end
when i found someone to be my friend
but i found no one who did not betray
the words of love they tried to say

and i think i've grown hard and cold
and i think my heart and mind got old
and i think my soul was somehow sold
and i think i was never told
the truth

i was once so considerate that i would
give everything i could just to be good
for kindness was the best feeling i could feel
and giving unconditionally made it real
but i found no one would give the same way
people take advantage and then do not stay
but i found no one who did not betray
the words of trust they tried to say

and i think i've grown hard and cold
and i think my heart and mind got old
and i think my soul was somehow sold
and i think i was never told
the truth

so is this pathos, a poor me song
is this a foolish game dragging me along
i don't want anything from you
unless you can tell me... what is true?

i was once so generous that i'd give
everything away, that's just how i lived
now i find myself alone and feeling so tired
i can barely remember how i was once so inspired
to believe in the human heart
and in love that never ends
now i find myself alone
wondering... where is my friend

and i think i've grown hard and cold
and i think my heart and mind got old
and i think my soul was somehow sold
and i think i was never told
the truth

and i think i've grown hard and cold
and i wonder if it's time to fold or unfold
and i feel like i have been rolled
and i think i was never told
the truth

maybe i'm depressed
maybe i'm a mess
maybe i am just tired of games

maybe this is your song
are you singing along
will you give me your real names?

is this embarrassing
do you feel anything
or have you grown this numb too?

i wonder what you think
i wonder what you drink
i wonder what surprises you

i was once so curious that i'd ask
everyone i met to remove their mask
everywhere i looked i was lies and strife
and i did not believe that was real life
I want to believe in the human heart
and in love that never ends
now i find myself alone
I don't want to pretend
it's ok...

I still find myself alone
wondering... where is my friend

and i think i've grown hard and cold
and i think my heart and mind got old
and i think my soul was somehow sold
and i think i was never told
the truth

and i think i've grown hard and cold
and i wonder if it's time to fold or unfold
and i feel like i have been rolled
and i think i was never told
the truth

The Story

1993 we met in correspondence
she knew exactly what to write
to get into my heart and mind

love is forever
no matter what
this is the most
precious dream I know

1995 she confessed her love for me
she told me her whole life was a lie
she needed me so she could fly

love is forever
love always grows
this is the most
precious dream I know

1997 two years of bliss and pain
I gave her control of my brain
she tried to make me go insane

love is forever
no matter what
this is the most
precious dream I know

1999 I gave her everything I could
from far away I waited for her
to do what she said she would

all the while she was begging me to hang on
all the while she was asking for everything I could give
all the while she was keeping me living in yesterday
using the power I gave her to keep me so far away

1999 she begged me to hold on
wait for me, she said, and I did
even when she was gone

love is forever
no matter what
this is the most
precious dream I know

I never really knew what was going on
all I knew was that my heart was gone
she begged me to leave it in her hands
is there anyone who understands?

2001 I crawled back to where I came from
finding myself lost and broken
half waiting half trying to understand
what happened and how to begin again
without my heart, how to begin again

love is forever
no matter what
this is the most
precious dream I know

2004 a correspondence, first time in three years
I felt my anger and pain dissolve in precious tears
I asked her why she actualized my greatest fear
I asked her to return my heart and mind if she would not come here
her silence fell upon me once again (I asked, why won’t you share?)
her indecision rose like a wall once again (I asked, why don’’t you care?)
only to find her that she would once again… disappear

I thought my heart was open
I thought my doors were open
I thought I was ready for love
so why am I alone

I thought that I was free and
I thought that I was me and
I thought I was over the past
I though that I had known

love is forever
no matter what
this is the most
precious dream I know

2008 again a few words from so far away
she confessed she used me, what else was there to say
was I the fool still waiting for her to return my heart?
and now, am I free?... where and how do I start?

she said she married another and he gave her a child
she moved on but she still will not let go
there is no room in her life for me today
but she will not let go
is it because I know

love is forever
no matter what
this is the most
precious dream I know

love is forever
the best I’ve got
how it can end is something
I still do not know

all the while she was begging me to hang on
all the while she was asking for everything I could give
all the while she was keeping me living in yesterday
using the power I gave her to keep me so far away

I never really knew what was going on
all I knew was that my heart was gone
she begged me to leave it in her hands
is there anyone who understands?

she still keeps the best of me
under her lock and key
even though she started over long ago
had another child with another man in 1999, oh
and yet she still will not return the things that keep me hanging on
so what am I to do when my heart and mind are gone?
this is the only way I know to carry on

love is forever
no matter what
love is still the most
precious dream I know

unrelationship

all the time alone
when you disappear
i question my trust
wonder why i care

all the time alone
like missing rungs on a life ladder
and then you return and tell me to climb
as if all the time alone
doesn't matter

do you just need to have control
it is always on your terms
silence is a lonely noise

do you just like to watch me fall
you treat me like a toy, old toys
a child leaves broken toys behind
but what of broken boys?

all the time alone
between times you appear
i question what love means
and why i should share

all the time alone
like missing rungs on a life ladder
and then you return and tell me to climb
as if all the time alone
doesn't matter

every now and then
i face reality
in all the time alone
i can see

you come back telling me
that i matter to you
i say, really?

but all the time alone
brings more clarity
time alone matters
to me

and in all the time alone
what really doesn't matter to you
is me

sharing

if you don’t like to be touched, keep your distance
i have learned how to feel like that but it is not really me
if you don’t like to be hugged, keep your distance
i have learned how to keep mine, but that is not really me

i want to find some one who will remind me who i am
how i feel and how i love to be felt
i want to find someone who can believe and understand
how true love makes a heart melt
can your mind melt
can your body melt
when was the last time you felt
how you love to be felt

if you don’t like to be touched, keep your distance
i have learned to be afraid but that is not really me
if you don’t like to be loved, keep your distance
i have learned how to be numb, but that is not really me

i know why i am down deep inside
i know i’ve learned how to run and hide
i’ve learned how to pretend i’ve died
but there is so much more denied
and sharing will remind me
sharing will make it real again
sharing will help me find me
sharing will let me feel again
sharing’s the answer
sharing is what life’s about
so much has been buried deep inside
sharing will let it back out

i want to find some one who can really share
how it feels to be in love and be felt
i want to find someone who can believe and understand
how true love makes a heart melt
can your mind melt
can your body melt
when was the last time you felt
how you love to be felt

when you’re sharing
life is sharing
i want to be sharing

and sharing will remind you
sharing will make it real again
sharing will help you find you
sharing will let you feel again
sharing’s the answer
sharing is what life’s about
so much has been buried deep inside
sharing will let it back out

afraid

so afraid of living
so afraid of dying
so afraid of giving
so afraid of trying
feeling like i may be
the only one who isn't lying
sitting here alone
just alibying

wasting away
not even watching the world going by anymore
what's left to say
i left behind what i was living for
once in a dream
i fell in love forever
now it just seems
whatever, whatever

why should anybody care about me now
when i'm not ever caring about myself
how can i find a friend when i've forgotten how
all the dreams are lost up on a shelf

and i'm
so afraid of living
so afraid of dying
so afraid of giving
so afraid of trying
feeling like i may be
the only one who isn't lying
sitting here alone
just alibying

wasting away
not even watching the world going by anymore
what's left to say
i left behind what i was living for
once in a dream
i fell in love forever
now it just seems
whatever, whatever

somewhere buried in my mind
lost dreams calling from above
somewhere buried in my heart
i dream of falling in love
oh god i
still dream of falling in love

but i am
so afraid of living
so afraid of dying
so afraid of giving
so afraid of trying
feeling like i may be
the only one who isn't lying
sitting here alone
just alibying

wasting away
not even watching the world going by anymore
what's left to say
i left behind what i was living for
once in a dream
i fell in love forever
now it just seems
whatever, whatever

i don't have much time left in this life and all i do is work and moan
doesn't feel so good always being on my own
i don't have much hope left in this life for finding someone to love me
doesn't feel so good always feeling so lonely

will i always be
so afraid of living
so afraid of dying
so afraid of giving
so afraid of trying
feeling like i may be
the only one who isn't lying
sitting here alone
just alibying

wasting away
not even watching the world going by anymore
what's left to say
i left behind what i was living for
once in a dream
i fell in love forever
now it just seems
whatever, whatever

if i give you mine tonight

lost in the revelry
a lonely voice sighs
counting the promises that
have turned into lies
and in the morning light
an innocent cries
picking up the pieces
of life's greatest prize

and where are the friends we used to know
where is the caring
all of the love, where did it go
where is the sharing

once we could trust each other
like sisters and brothers
and now we hide behind locked doors

if i give you mine tonight
could i ask for yours?

lost in the cacophony
a lonely heart beats
counting the moments passing
as little defeats
living a life alone
a social life dies
we are social beings
is this a surprise?

so where are the friends we used to know
where is the caring `
all of the love, where did it go
where is the sharing

once we could trust each other
like sisters and brothers
and now we hide behind locked doors

if i give you mine tonight
could i ask for yours?

are there still dreamers dreaming the dreams
that created fairy tales?
are there still poets imagining
a love that never fails?
are there still children sharing pretending
without a world of fears?
are there still people living happily ever after
anywhere?

lost in the industry
a lonely hand asks
will anyone hold me today
between all the tasks
and in the dark of night
loneliness on the rise
counting the years passing
wondering why

we share less and less,
and then we die
why oh why oh why
why don't we learn to share more
before we die?
can we learn to share more
before we die?

oh where are the friends we used to know
where is the caring `
all of the love, where did it go
where is the sharing

once we could trust each other
like sisters and brothers
and now we hide behind locked doors

if i give you mine tonight
could i ask for yours?

feeling precarious

feeling precarious
slightly delerious
life is nefarious
taunting this way

feeling parlous
slightly obtuse
life is refuse
constant decay

so why do i enjoy it
even on my own
i want to be sharing
but i am alone
so i sit here writing
hoping you will read
and pretend we're sharing
that is your good deed

feeling precarious
almost hilarious
life is comparing us
looking this way

feeling so wrong
without a song
i don't belong
in this today

so why do i endure it
maybe i'm insane
i want to be sharing
but sharing is pain
so i sit here writing
hoping you will read
and tell me we're sharing
and maybe the seed
will grow
and we'll come to know
what we're doing here
before we disappear

feeling precarious
not much gregarious
time would not marry us
into the fray

feeling so numb
blind deaf and dumb
what have we become
so far away

feeling precarious
just like yesterday

with hope in my heart

when i was younger and much more romantic
i believed in falling in love
even though i knew deep down it was a choice
i willing gave up my senses and voice
back then, secure as a friend,
i believe in the human heart
so now i wonder was it just false faith
when did my dreams fall apart?

when people are cruel to each other
when you try to fool your brother
when people take all they can
pretending to care till it's gone

i wonder what they discover
what do you get out of it?
if you ask me, people turn love
into a pile of shit

now don't get me wrong
see, i wrote this song
with hope in my heart
and tears in my eyes
because i am scared
i need a reprieve
from the evidence
for i want to believe
but i see human beings
everywhere we go
destroying and hating
the smile's just for show

you can misunderstand if you want to
it's probably easier that way
but if you're in earshot
then maybe you hear what i say

i don't know where i belong
humanity has love all wrong
but i wrote this song
with hope in my heart
will you prove me wrong?

when people are cruel to each other
when you try to fool your brother
when people take all they can
pretending to care til it's gone

i wonder what they discover
what do you get out of it?
if you ask me, people turn love
into a pile of shit

you can misunderstand if you want to
it's probably easier that way
but if you're in earshot
then maybe you hear what i say

i don't know where i belong
humanity has love all wrong
but i wrote this song
with hope in my heart
will you prove me wrong?

comfort food

She sits there eating cookie after cookie, crème wafers covered in milk chocolate, chunky chocolate chip, double stuffed oreos, the chocolate covered kind that is sometimes hard to find in the stores. After two Italian subs, half a meatball, half a veal, and a whole eggplant (because the vegetables balances the diet, you know), all parmesan with double cheese and extra sauce (because she is so very oral, you know), and she is looking forward to the midnight snack, the two halves she did not just eat. It is only just after eight o'clock, after all, and she always has a snack before bed. The prime time hours have just begun, her favorite time of the day, so she has her snack tray laid out around her and she's making the great escape into other people's lives and carbohydrate heaven.

He knows how to be healthy, he's done it before, after all, as a former marathon runner and almost Olympian, yet he sits at his computer writing about his life, complaining mostly, because he must have given up on his dreams somewhere along the way, at least temporarily, long enough to pack on fifty pounds, much against his medical advice, and lose any connection with a social life, except for the messages on his computer. As midnight approaches, he drinks another Red Bull so he can continue on into the night, writing, writing, writing out his life, pouring out the loose thoughts and careless emotions that remain after whatever it was that shut him down and drove him to this, a shut-in existence linked to the outside world only by the umbilical cordless mouse-ball he ordered on the internet where he taps on into the night feeling like the king of his cyber kingdom.

They are two lost souls living in a fishbowl of electronic compassion, real as they want it to be. Her phone rings, she ignores it. The best part of her favorite episode is on and she must see it for the seven or eight hundredth time, year after year.

There's a knock at his door, he ignores it. He is on a roll and nothing can stop his fingers now for they are tapping out the symphony of his imaginary existence.

They are content, or at least numb, which is a form of contentment, I suppose.